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Shakespeare walks into a bar
The barman says "Get out! You're bard"
A man walkes into a bar and orders a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps
The barman says "Sorry sir, we only have plane"
Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
A group of fungi walk into a crowded bar and ordered some drinks.
The barman asks them to leave saying "There's not mushroom in here"
A ghost walks into a bar at 11:20pm
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11:00pm"
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A white horse walks into a bar
The barman says, "We’ve got a whisky named after you"
"What, Eric?"
The same horse walks into another bar next day
The barman says "Why the long face ?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of GREEN tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
The barman says "I'll serve you, but your mate's barred - he's a bloody cycle-path!"
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says
to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van
Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you
Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one 'ere."
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. Whilst drinking his beer,
he heard a soothing voice say "that's a nice tie". Looking around he noticed that
the bar was empty except for himself and the barman at the other end of the bar.
A few sips later the same voice says "what a beautiful shirt". A few more minutes
pass by and he hears "and that suit is immaculate". At this, he calls the barman over.
"Hey ... I must be losing my mind, I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, but
there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts ..." explained the barman "... they're complimentary"
Two explorers are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as
they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing.
They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, one of the explorers turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."
A man goes to his doctor and says "Every morning when I wake up, I start singing
'The Green Green Grass of Home'. Then after breakfast, I sing 'What's New Pussycat'
and all day at work I'm humming 'Delilah'. What's wrong with me Doctor ?"
The Doctor thought for a minute and said "You've got Tom Jones Syndrome"
"Oh no, is it a common complaint ?" asks the man.
The Doctor replies "It's not Unusual"
It's the World Darts Championship at Frimley Green. Ted 'The Count' Hankey is playing
Andy 'The Viking' Fordham. Ted is at the oche. His first dart hits double top as does his
second. His third dart hits the wire, bounces out and hits a Nun sitting in the front row
killing her instantly. After the ensuing commotion dies down and the poor lady removed
from the arena, the caller announces the score … “One nun dead and eighty”
One night a woman opened her front door to find a huge cockroach on her door step.
Before she had time to react, it pushed her over and ran off. Next night, the cockroach appeared
again and kicked her hard on her shins. On the third night, it bit her on the hand.
The woman became very distraught at this and went to see her Doctor. "Ah yes" said the Doctor
"I've heard there's a nasty bug going around"
"Doctor, please help me" said the worried man "I can't stop frying things. Everything I eat
I fry first : breakfast, lunch, tea even puddings - jelly, trifle, cakes everything.
Now I'm getting worse, I fry my newspaper before I read it, I fry all my clothes and even my shoes"
"I can see what your problem is" said the doctor "you're frittering your life away"
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
John had been behind closed doors in his boss's office for over an hour,
and his collegues were just starting to wonder what the boss was telling
him when he finally emerged. He walked out of the office, and one by one,
he went over to the other workers, and started handing out peppermints to
everyone. "Here," he said to the first, "you can have the extra strong mints."
The next person was given a pack of soft mints, and the third received some
chewing gum. Mint flavour, of course. Finally, they could stand it no longer.
"What on earth are you doing?!" they asked him.
"I'm doing my assign mints," he said.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer
of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding, but their favorite
was a set of towels embroidered with the words, "Hiss and Hearse".
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the
trip south, so they decided to go by aircraft. When they checked their baggage,
the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter
there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish
and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two of the brothers. "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is
Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a
wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity,
who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, indeed, I'm the chip monk."
A missionary couple were captured by some decidedly unfriendly natives,
tied together with a long piece of leather and left dangling over a large
cliff. That evening, the natives danced and chanted around the campfire
and as each member passed the leather strap holding the unfortunate
missionaries, he gave it a whack with a stick, causing it to weaken a bit
more. As the chanting grew louder and louder, the husband looked at his
wife romantically and said, "Listen darling. They're fraying our thong!"
Explorer Leif Ericson returned from his voyage to the new world
only to find that his name had been removed from the town register.
He complained at the town meeting, viewing it as a slight.
The town official immediately apologized, saying he must have taken Leif off his census.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A man visits his doctor and tells him "When I got up this morning, I put on a
pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way
to work I couldn't help singing, "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go,"
and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and
so on. What's the matter with me?" "That's easy," replies the doctor.
"You're having Disney spells."
One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that
he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian
restaurant for a takeaway pizza. "Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager,
"Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please," replied the King, "same as always - deep pan, crisp and even"
A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead
of the field. His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey
was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep
control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box
of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once
more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and
a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
A motorist is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy.
A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
"I've locked myself out of my car." replies the man.
"That's not a problem," replied the passer-by, "Let me have a look."
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try.
So the passer-by turns around, and rubs his legs slowly up and down the driver"s door.
Suddenly, the lock opens and the man turns and opens the car door.
"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"
"It's easy," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family
in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through
the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would
conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening
process After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call
it a day when a lone, armless man approached him announced that he was there to apply for
the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter,"
said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing
a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced
that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing
forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by
the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to
let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
wait, not finished yet ...
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the
unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for
the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency,
I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother bent down
to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died
on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed
up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly. "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
